*Guest Blogger* Our Story and Forgiveness

  I wrote the following way back in 1995.  Long before I ever knew of Rachelle or what my life would entail.  I used to write a lot of poems and just various writings.  It was a cathartic process and many times what might look like a writing directed towards someone in particular, really wasn't.  Often, they were just dreams of what I wanted my life to look like.

Without My Heaven

My life has had its ups and downs
The Kings and Queens their broken crowns
But if all of this stands tall and true
Then tell me just why I have you
    Someone who cares and feels my pain
To put up with me and still be sane
    Without you in my life
To help me through the toils and strife
Would be close to never and next to no way
That I would make it through one more day
    The love you give to me each night
Gives me hope that I just might
Hold on to you forever and then
End each night with a grateful AMEN

Then, on August 4th, 2004, I found her.  The one girl that I wanted to spend my life with.  I knew Rachelle way before that night.  We originally met at Cannon Air Force Base, New Mexico at a Squadron Christmas Party in 1998.  She was going to school at Texas Tech University in Lubbock and was dating a co-worker friend of mine.  Rachelle does not remember meeting me, but I do remember her.  It was a brief introduction, but I remember thinking she was pretty damn hot.

  Fast forward a few months and I am now stationed at Yokota Air Base, Japan, and as luck would have it, again with her boyfriend.  She had come to visit him and, once again, we met.  She remembers this one.  We exchanged email addresses and became email buddies.  She would forward funny or poignant emails on occasion and vice versa.  She sent me an invitation to her graduation from college (I never did send her a gift).  We were long distance acquaintances, if nothing else.

 At some point, Rachelle and her boyfriend broke up.  He got out of the Air Force, I lost contact with him and then I moved on to Spangdahlem Air Base, Germany.  After two years in Germany, I was getting ready to move to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.  I bought a brand new Ford Ranger and it was to be delivered to a dealership in Austin, Texas (for the life of me I have never figured out why they delivered it to Austin instead of San Antonio... but damn am I glad that they did).  I remembered that Rachelle was now living in Austin, so I sent her an email asking her if she could pick me up at the airport.  For her troubles I would take her to dinner.  I arrived in Austin on the 4th of August and somehow we missed each other in the terminal (knowing her she was probably in the bathroom).  I called her once I got down to baggage claim and did not see her.  She was upstairs and said she would be right down.  When I saw her at the top of the stairs, I knew that I had to date her... or maybe I was just horny and wanted to get laid... it was a long time ago and I do not remember that level of detail ;-).
 We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill.  I sweet talked my way into spending the night in her bed.  I was too scared to try anything and I never touched her.  She later told me that if I had she would have beat the shit out of me and never talked to me again.  The next day she picked me up at her apartment and took me to get my truck.  She went back to work, but told me I was welcome to stay at her apartment until she got home from work, but then she had to go to her second job.  I had no where else to be and I still wanted to try to work my magic, so I stayed.  I met her at her second job when she got off and we decided we needed to go eat dinner.  She jokingly asked if she could drive my brand spankin' new truck.   I said yes and she just gave me this 'are you serious? look'.  We traded keys and we took off.  I stayed the night for a second night in a row, but my smooth moves (lol) were not really getting me anywhere.  OK, I did not even attempt anything remotely resembling flirting... she was quite intimidating.
 I woke up the next morning and drove to San Antonio, but I could not get this beautiful girl off of my mind.  I'm pretty sure I called her every day and we agreed that I could visit her over the weekend. She called it stalking, I called it pursuing.  She told me that she would never date a smoker.  I quit.  For the next couple of weeks we took turns at making the hour and a half trek to see each other.
 It was about three weeks later that we finally kissed. 
 We had a whirlwind romance and three months later we started making plans for our wedding.  We said our vows in front of our friends, family, and God on October 15, 2005.  Less than two years later, we welcomed L into this world and three months after that I went to Korea for a year.  July 24th, 2008 we received our Fragile X diagnosis... we were three months pregnant with K.

 Fast forward to some point after K was born and I started losing sight of the vows I made.  I withdrew, I became depressed.  I never was very good about helping with the upkeep of the house, but it got worse.  That is a period of my life that is very foggy.  I just sank into my hole and nothing could bring me out.  I could tell it was taking a toll on Rachelle and there were times that I tried, I really did try... but my hole was too deep.  I was sure that I lost Rachelle and that we were only staying together because it was easier that way. It was easier to stay together than it was to get divorced, THAT was the only thing keeping us together.  I was sure that I did not love her as my wife and that she did not love me as her husband.  I had convinced myself that we had love for each other as the mother and father of our children, nothing more, simple as that.
 This was no way to live, so I began making plans for divorce.  I picked out an apartment, I had figured out a budget and how much I would give Rachelle each month.  The only thing I had not decided on was when I would leave her.  For all intents and purposes, I was living an entirely separate life away from Rachelle.  She knew we were not well, but she had no clue how far away I really was.
 May 23rd and 24th, 2012 - It all came to a head.  We finally talked.  I had gotten so wrapped up in my job, our children, the Fragile X world.  I was so wrapped up in everything EXCEPT for Rachelle, that we failed to communicate the way we needed to.  We laid it all on the line and it was anything but pretty.  I told her everything.  I was absolutely positive that she would not want me in her life anymore.  I had betrayed her love, I had lied to her, there was no reason for her to WANT to stay married to me any longer.  No reason except for her immeasurable love for me.  Rachelle NEVER, not for a single moment, stopped loving me.  Not once did she ever NOT want me to be her husband... but I lost sight of that, big time. 
  I screwed up big time and it cost us both a lot.  It cost us some good friends who may never forgive me.  It cost Rachelle and I time.  Time that we will never get back.
  Since that day, we have made wonderful progress.  We are both happy, happier than we have ever been in fact.  I have renewed my faith and will continue my spiritual walk, with Rachelle's help and with the help of some very dear friends.  The one thing that will always stick with me is when Rachelle looked at me with such intense hurt in her eyes and said, "I forgive you."  
  I will live the rest of my life making it up to her because I never again want to forget that I made a promise to her - To Have and To Hold From This Day Forward, For Better or For Worse, For Richer, For Poorer, In Sickness and In Health, To Love and To Cherish; From This Day Forward Until Death Do Us Part.

I Want You to Know

Last night, we went to Rudy's BBQ for dinner.  This is a place we enjoy as a family, a place we've been to many, many times in the past 5 years.  The girls love the sausage and almost always ask for seconds of the creamed corn.  They both like to pour their own bbq sauce onto their butcher paper.  They both break their plastic forks at least once per meal.

We had quite the different experience last night, though.  Shannon went to get our drinks while the girls and I went to sit down.  I told them "sit here and I'm going to get the forks".  This is the same procedure that has occurred numerous times before.  However, last night, when I began getting our plastic-wear, I see L walking up to me.  She has tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?"  I ask her concerned.

"I'm scared" she cried to me.

Scared?  Scared of what?  She never lost sight of me.  She was with her sister.  Her daddy was also within sight of her.  She was in a "familiar" place.  What was she scared of?

I knelt down, gave her a hug, held her hand, finished getting the setup, and started walking back to the table.  She didn't want to walk, though.  She grabbed at me, held on to my leg tightly, and said she was scared again.  So, I held her close to me as we made our way back to our table.

Once we sat down, she buried her head in to my shoulder, not wanting to let go.  I held her for a few minutes and then began getting the girls' plates ready.  (That is no easy task with one hand.)  L continued crying, not wanting to be untouched.

We did what we could to get her to eat as we stuffed our mouths faster than we've ever done before.  She kept saying, "I wanna go home".  It was heart-breaking.  She eventually went and sat on Shannon's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck as K and I finished eating and cleaned up our table in record time.

As soon as we got up from the table, L started smiling and  saying, "We going home now?"  I've never seen her so happy.

What caused this strange situation?  Fragile X Syndrome.  L was experiencing a high anxiety moment, a common symptom of FX individuals.  No matter what we did, nothing could alleviate her fears.  She was out of her comfort zone for a reason unknown to us, and all we could do was to take her home, her safe place.

I tell you this story of last night not because it was a completely uncommon occurrence or something new.  I am sharing it with you because today is National Fragile X Awareness Day and I want to make you aware of what a typical family outing with a child with Fragile X can be like.  I want you to know what Fragile X is, and how it manifests itself.  I want you to know.

Fragile X Syndrome is the leading known cause of inherited mental impairment. FXS is the leading known genetic cause of autism.  It can cause ADD, ADHD, autism and autistic behaviors, social anxiety, hand-biting and/or flapping, poor eye contact, sensory disorders and increased risk for aggression.  Gross motor skills, fine motor skills, cognitive delays ... the list is seemingly endless.

The one thing I know for sure, though, about Fragile X Syndrome is this:  I love my daughter that is affected.  I love my friends' children who are affected.  They are all beautiful, loving, caring people who have taught me more about life than the 30 years of living before knowing about FX.  We have been blessed beyond measure, and for that, I am truly thankful.

For more information, please visit www.fraxa.org or www.fragilex.org.  Now, learn something new today, and go out and spread the word!

The Love of Friends

Back in February, I wrote about a new "program" three of my friends and I were starting.  A page was created on Facebook titled "She-Woman-Weight-Haters Club".  This is a place for the four of us to go and tell each other what we have eaten each day, what exercises we've done, etc.  The only people that can see it are the four of us.  That gives us the freedom to be open with each other, post our real weights each week, and state our goals.

It's also served as so much more, to me at least.  It has allowed me to realize the true meaning of friendship.  We've talked about so much more on this page than just our weights and body sizes.  Things from our regular, busy, and stressful lives have spilled over and become bonding experiences.  I've been able to talk about things in this group that I never thought I'd be comfortable talking about with anyone.  I've shared my feelings, vented, screamed, and cried on this page.  I've also celebrated, danced, smiled, and laughed. 

Sometimes, you don't realize how far you've fallen or that you've given up.  It takes special people to make you see it, and help you up.  And while this journey originally began as a "weight-loss" motivator, it's turned in to so much more.  It's helped me out of a pit of despair I didn't even know I'd fallen in to.  It helped put the sparkle back in to my eyes and added a bounce to my step.

I feel like I've become a better mother, a better wife, and a better friend through this adventure.  I'm happier than I've been since ... I don't even know.  Maybe I've never been this happy (which is quite ironic since this study just came out).

I will more than likely not reach the goal I set for myself before I go to Miami in 11 days.  I've still got 2 more weigh-ins before stepping on the plane, but I also still have 7 pounds to go.  I think I've realized, though, that the number's not really what it's about!  I've lost 23 pounds since February 26.  That's pretty awesome! 

However, what's more important is that I'm feeling better about myself.  I'm looking in the mirror and smiling now instead of being disgusted.  I'm looking at my husband and thinking "let's go to bed" instead of "don't look at me".  I'm hitting my real goals which were to feel good in my own skin, look in the mirror without cringing, and play with my kids until they're tired. 

I'm doing this with my friends and with the support of my husband.  But, more importantly, I'm doing this for me.  And I'm succeeding!!!!